I can’t decide a sub-title for this post.
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Author’s note: I have decided to write a short post today.
I’ve read many many many books on confidence and assertiveness.
As a good friend of low self-esteem and self-worth, Indecisiveness has plagued me for all of my life, but not in every moment.
This theme is at the forefront of my awareness right now because it affects me day-to-day, more than I’ve been previously aware of. Remember my Steve G Jones Podcast? Well, I was looking through his Instagram and I saw that his partner is a Kung Fu black belt, that got my attention as I studied Kung Fu for 2 years under Sifu Chris Crudelli.
Kendra Mahon, known as Kung Fu Kendra, wrote a book on applying Kung Fu principles to getting what you want in life.
I started reading this about 10 days ago and it’s been my nighttime reading before bed. It contains a lot about assertiveness which is hitting home for me. Let me give you a tiny example of how things changed for me quickly, without any effort.
My modus operandi is was to be passive, so you might be able to relate to it if you’re like me. When I arrive at a meeting room I’ve booked and someone’s in there, taking up my meeting time, I’d wait outside, feeling frustrated, not say anything and go to another meeting room. After part way through the book, I booked a meeting room, went to the meeting room and someone was sitting in there, I felt a pang of fear, ready to retreat, but I remembered the book, knocked on the door, they said “Have you booked the room” I reply “Yes” they walk out, I walk in. Simple isn’t it!????
Super simple, an almost silly example to someone who hasn’t experienced crippling shyness and passiveness. But going through the reality of this has opened up ways of how I’ve been passive in my life, not speaking up when my boss talks over me, expressing what I want to say to a friend, saying no to an invitation, even asking for the bill at a restaurant. These are situations that we all share in life, and can you imagine the pent-up frustration of keeping all of that in causes? I’m sure many of you can relate.
Susan Jeffers said in her iconic book, Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, I’m paraphrasing here:
“When you are used to being passive, there’s a bit of calibrating that happens when you try and be assertive, you’re going to overcompensate at first and appear aggressive, and that’s ok”.
I remember that clearly as I have been guilty of doing this. I used to worry so much about becoming arrogant, that it kept my light hidden under a bushel.
Since reading Kendra’s book, something has clicked, the shy younger Steve pops up in everyday life and I am constantly noticing this. Then the older wiser Steve pipes up and says what he wants to say. What I have realised is that assertiveness is being clear about what you want, if you don’t speak up you’ll just be going along with what the assertive people want.
You deserve to be heard.
Have a wonderful day.
P.S. Fellow introverts, you’ll find a treasure trove of writings from The Queen of The Introverts, . Not all introverts are unassertive, but most unassertive people are probably introverts.
P.P.S Please share this post with other introverts.
